Non-Spoken Regrets

“I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.” – Lucille Ball

A friend recently went through a break-up with his girlfriend of two years. He cites that they had been distant as of late, but wishes there was more he could have done to try and fix things before this point.

For the past few weeks since the break-up, we’ve had several talks. Lately they were about closure; is it too soon, how to talk about it with the ex, etc.

I am the last person to ask for advice.

My experience with serious relationships has totaled a span of 3.5 months with two people over the course of a year. This has been between accepting myself as grey-asexual, and then coming out on my mostly defunct Youtube channel.

The first person I dated, I broke up with him because I was going through a lot of personal things. One of those being my sexuality, and other areas of self-acceptance that have to do with my estranged father. It’ll be nearly three years since we dated this October, and we’re much better friends than we were significant others.

The second person I dated, she broke up with me after 2.5 months. We’ve never hashed out what exactly happened. After a year of working together on a club executive board, we’re friends again. I’m guarded about our friendship because I don’t want to upset her significant other.

In the middle of the night my mind drifts to these two people. And then further to the things we never said, or the feelings I never voiced to them or to anyone.

Its easy to have spoken regrets. Sometimes your mouth races ahead of your brain, and you can’t take back what’s already spilled out. The clean up crew of apologies launches on aisle seven to try and salvage anything.

And then I’ve reached the downward spiral of unspoken regrets. Expressing myself to him instead of locking everything in my head, or inviting her to dinner more than I did. The list could probably circle the Earth a few times.

I’ve come to terms with those. And maybe a few others.

A part of life is accepting both forms of regret.

It hasn’t been easy. I’ve worked on letting things go. We’ll see how that works out for me.

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